In 2 weeks, I have a therapy session. This is something that I probably should have started years ago, but have never had the nerve to. In fact, I am still very nervous.
I'd think about it. Research folks in my area covered by my insurance and their specialties. Take the little tag of paper in the employee break room with the Employees Assistance Program number on it. Stare at the numbers. Pick up the phone. Dial. Hang up. Tell myself I was over reacting, or making a mountain out of a molehill.And ignore myself.
Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
My last attempt was last year, when confronted with some major issues regarding the state of my marriage. There was a hug blow out...hours long. I was ready to pack it all up and walk out with my children in tow.
But I didn't stick to my guns, I made concessions.
Therapy for both of us.
Medication for him.
Cutting off all contact with the people who we were allowing to create havoc in our lives.
And none of it happened.
We never went to therapy, he refused to seek treatment, and despite me cutting off contact with a few friends that were creating drama, he continued his friendships and gave them greater confidences instead.
3 weeks ago I decided I'd had enough. A year is more than enough time to get it together - to at least make a half hearted attempt even. I told him this, and that this was it.
No more.
I called this time, and made an appointment for myself. I need help. I need someone to tell me I'm not crazy, because that's all I hear at home, is how crazy and wrong and stupid I am. I need someone to tell me my life isn't normal, that it's bullshit that I've even stayed this long.
He told me to stop being a victim.
He meant to my position in life, work, etc.
He didn't mean to stop being his.
When the office called to confirm my appointment, I didn't answer my phone. So they called his.
And told him.
I was pissed, suddenly -this was no longer my own.
And now, he is concerned about what I'm going to talk about to a 'stranger'.
He doesn't want me to talk about him.
Or say what he does.
In fact, he doesn't want me to go unless he goes.
And I told him quite frankly that I didn't give a shit about what I talked about -
if it was him, the kids, or the abuse -
but I was going to talk, and talk alone.
If he wanted to go, he could go on his own,
or we could do a couples session.
But it would require him to be truthful,
and I didn't think he'd be able to hack it.
Telling lies in front of a family therapist with 30 years of experience.
So that is now scheduled, for the following week after my initial appointment.
Part of me is glad, but the other part is over it.
It's saying Too Fucking Late.
And I just want to move on alone.
